WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
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What fresh Hell is this?!?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days