I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
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I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious