I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
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I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle