A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
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*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Bobby pin