*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
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I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
and this one
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.