Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
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Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you