when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
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Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.