my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
You Might Also Like
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.