The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
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waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues