What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
You Might Also Like
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it