I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
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me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.