My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
You Might Also Like
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫