Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
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I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that