Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
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Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”