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Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
congratulations to them
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.