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*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
asking santa clause for nudes
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs