BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
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*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.