*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
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I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.