A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
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how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
S O O N
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding