It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
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I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.