I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Basketball games are very squeaky.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.