[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
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[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
inside you are two wolves
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.