“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
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She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?