Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
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AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.