Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
You Might Also Like
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?