[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
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[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime