You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
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Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”