I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
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Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
A short story of betrayal: