The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
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“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.