Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
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If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Wait a second…
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Plant care tips
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.