What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
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I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted