John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
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“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!