when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
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[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍