[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
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*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.