“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
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I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.