Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
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A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Same post same
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait