There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
You Might Also Like
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Okay, I’m still confused…
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more