Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……馃槀馃槀
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A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don鈥檛 carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I鈥檝e abandoned all hope.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
God: you鈥檙e a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it鈥檚 raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I鈥檓 a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there鈥檚 a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )