The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to