Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something