DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
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Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents