Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
You Might Also Like
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”