I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
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HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway