I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
You Might Also Like
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Goodnight 🐶
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.