STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”