When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
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You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it