[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
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[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat