There is no “we” in chocolate.
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You’re the water to my grease fire.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”