I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
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If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
These work great until they don’t.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*