this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
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‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
.. do you even science?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “